Humans and Demons and Elves Read online

  Now mostly recovered, Lira picked up the thread. “Elf members are more difficult to come by, but they stay with the OMHI twice as long as humans do, and the small scattering of half-Eudemons, half-Elves does the demon negotiations. Unfortunately, we half-and-halfs hate our unknown Eudemon fathers, so negotiations never go well. It’s the best they can do for now, though. No stories exist of a human meeting a full-blooded Eudemon and coming out alive, and Archaedemons require such high temperatures for survival it is thought that they’d never make it far from their tunnels. In any case no other beings could make it into those tunnels without sizzling.

  “There are several departments in the OMHI. Christine’s Anthropology division is working on an encyclopedia of ‘Magics’ cultures through a mixture of interviews with humanized Elves and meetings with a few clan leaders. Clan leaders are never willing to reveal the locations of their villages, and they refuse to visit towns and cities, so OMHI agents meet them in a neutral area of the forest. Each side brings bodyguards as a precaution. The aim of this study is so the OMHI and anyone who interacts with non-humans can do so in a sensitive, diplomatic manner. No one wants to make the mistakes of imperialism and Manifest Destiny. The sections on demons are skimpy, though.”

  “Which bothers me a great deal, because how do we communicate with them, then?” Christine asked.

  “I have no idea,” Sara said.

  Christine continued, “There are also law departments. Lira works mainly in cases where a new law might affect Elf and demon land, trying to keep pollution and human encroachment to a minimum. Occasionally she defends non-humans who break the human law but have too much magic power to be caught and tried by a standard court. When the Elf population requests it, OMHI police assisted in the capture of demon war criminals and rounding up four-species juries. This new destruction of the Dance Clan may call for such measures, and on Monday the heads of the different departments would have an emergency meeting to determine what should be done.”

  “Will they require my services?” Edofine asked.

  “We’ll see,” Lira told him. “Go on, Christine.”

  “Within the Official Magics-Human Institute is a general hospital for Elves and half-Elves who would be found out if they went to a standard hospital. The studies of Elf biology and physiology are also conducted there, both so that they could treat patients better and see what humans could learn from Elf medicine. And then there is the post office like I said, still in its beginning stages.

  “The media relations department is probably the most important, hushing up the news when necessary and keeping people away from Magics territory. If the Elves catch a human in their village who had seen too much of the Elven home to return to the human world, they make them live with the Elves for the rest of their lives. A lot of disappearances come about this way. It’s better than what happens to those who stumble upon Eudemons, though. All Eudemon magic involves blood, and the more difficult the spell, the more blood has to be used. Boy Scout troops are the perfect size of captives to sacrifice for a highly selective localized hurricane. There were rumors that Eudemons might have caused Hurricane Katrina when a human shot a Eudemon female of the Louisiana tribe, mistaking her for a deer.”

  “I know who not to tick off,” Sara said.

  “You speak with words that make no sense,” Edofine said.

  Lira rolled her eyes. “We’ll get you a slang dictionary.”

  “You can go to Urban Dictionary for free,” Sara said. Then her face fell as she realized what sorts of slang that site specialized in. “Oh God. Never mind. It’ll fry his brain.”

  “On Monday someone should take Edofine to the acclimation center,” Christine said. “When there they will provide him with a Social Security number, a birth certificate, and a variety of other necessary documents. They help with education for Elf immigrants, with job training and letters of recommendation.”

  “No, no, no!” Edofine protested. “I am here temporarily until I find a clan that will accept me. I am sure you are wonderful individuals, but I do not wish to become human.”

  “How are you going to find another clan?” Lira asked him. “You know full well that no Elf will ever reveal the location of his or her home unless an outsider is seeking to marry a member of that clan. Then they marry, stay there, and never leave again.”

  “I…I am planning on doing so,” Edofine said, sitting up and hugging his knees.

  “You don’t know if you’ll fall in love with anyone, or that anyone will want you,” Sara pointed out.

  Edofine’s wide brown eyes began to blur, and his lip trembled. “Must you remind me, so soon after the fact?” he whispered. “Excuse me.” He left the living room for Lira’s bedroom, closing the door softly behind him.

  “Should someone follow him?” Christine asked.

  “Are all Elves that fragile?” Sara asked.

  Kryvek spoke for the first time in a while. “C’mon, lady, everyone he’s ever known except me is dead. It’s been less than a week. You’re expecting him to be jolly?”

  Lira continued, more soothingly, “Elves find no shame in tears, but Edofine’s not very comfortable with us, since we’re either human or humanized. He’d feel constrained if someone went in there.”

  “Where’s my notebook? I need to write this down,” Christine said.

  Kryvek could hear everyone’s sympathy pouring out, thickening the air. Lira’s thought-stream was threaded through with empathy She knew what it was like to realize that one belongs nowhere. Sara wanted to feed Edofine cookies and ice cream so he would feel better. Christine felt even worse about making Edofine faint.

  Sara looked at her watch. “I need to check on John and get back to unpacking.” She hugged everyone in turn. “Thank you. Give my regards to Edofine and take him somewhere fun.”

  “I like her,” Lira said when she was gone. “I still don’t think telling her those things was the best idea, though.”

  “I have to go with my ear feelings,” Kryvek replied.

  “Let’s hope it works out. She’s a chemist, and she’s interested and open-minded. We could use her in the OMHI,” Christine said. In her mind, this justified the slight risk. Besides, if Sara went around talking about Elves and demons, no one would believe her.

  Edofine finished weeping and realized Lira’s room had the clearest, most honest, clean smell of anywhere that he’d ever been. It had the scent of pine so strong that when he closed his eyes, it was like standing in the forest again. This was a great boon to his aching heart. Spirits around, what was he going to do?

  Chapter Four

  Quarrelers and Screamers and Gremlins

  Sara watched John’s activity as he ripped open boxes, tore out what was inside, and dashed to an empty spot in the apartment and thrust the objects practically into the carpet. He did not hear her come in.

  “That was very rude of you, and you embarrassed me in front of our new friends,” Sara reproached, tapping him on the shoulder.

  John continued his whirlwind of unpacking as he spoke. “It was very rude of them to pull a prank on us like that.”

  “It wasn’t a prank.”

  “Please, Sara. Magical beings in Laconia? Elf lawyers?” He shook his head.

  “Lira’s only half-Elf.”

  John stopped and stared at her. “So what’s the other half?”

  “Eudemon.”

  She rushed over to grab the lamp John had been carrying before it fell to the ground and shattered. He had dropped it while he folded up laughing. “I love it when you’re gullible. It’s just so cute.”

  “I will not have you make fun of me like this. It’s real. Look beyond your own two hands for once in your life.” Sara’s voice grew louder with each word, and her posture was that of an angry horse ready to gallop into battle.

  Attempting a conciliatory tone, John took both his wife’s hands and meshed his fingers with hers, pulling her close. “Sugar honey lemon pie, it’s just like when you saw that UFO. It tu
rned out to be a glow-in-the-dark Frisbee.”

  Sara pushed him away. “No. How do you explain the new color of my dress?”

  “A good magician can do twice that. Besides, we shouldn’t let some unpleasant jokesters ruin this lovely place.”

  “You have no grounds to insult Edofine, Kryvek, Lira, and Christine. Edofine’s a refugee, and still a child practically. His people have been slaughtered, and he’s alone in the world except for his cousin. He went into Lira’s room and cried. People who are fooling around don’t do that.” She slammed a chair down, accidentally smashing her own foot. “Ow!”

  “Sit down, shh, sit down.” John kneeled, picked up the injured foot, and kissed it. “There. All better now.”

  “That only works when a mother does that.”

  “Tell you what; I’ll go apologize to the kid. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m sure that would make you feel better. Okay?”

  “The ‘kid’ is named Edofine. Get it right.”

  “Okay. Ee-dough-fine. I can remember that. Bit of a weirdo, isn’t he?”

  Sara bolted up again. “You’re just humoring me, aren’t you? You’re treating us all like children. It’s not right!”

  Next door, Lira looked up from her paperwork and sighed. “I really think that Kryvek shouldn’t have told the Tufts about our species.”

  “What’s going on?” Christine asked, briefly stopping from sweeping the floor. “I can’t hear as well as you do.”

  “They’re fighting over whether Sara or John is the one being foolish.”

  “Someone among our social circle is foolish, anyway.”

  Edofine ran to the door when he heard the knock. He’d been looking through Kryvek’s books and CDs, not sure what to make of the titles. In Elf villages one family in the community usually had a hut crammed with books: histories, magical poetry, tutorials on mathematics, plays for the yearly acting festival, and English schoolbooks. The other Elves provided goods and services on a barter system whenever they wanted to borrow books. Sometimes someone added a book, and if it became popular, the bookkeeping Elves painstakingly copied it by hand and distributed it to other clans during the semi-annual clan meetings, where members of different clans discussed their needs, met one another, and often fell in love. Used to this approach, the dizzying array of media in Kryvek’s apartment unsettled Edofine. Humans were so concerned with quantity rather than quality, he thought.

  John stood in the doorway, with Sara standing behind and prodding him. “I came to say I’m sorry for walking out on you and your cousin. Where is your cousin?”

  “He went to his ‘concert’. I am not sure what it is. Some form of celebration?” Edofine’s liquid amber eyes stared at John, starting at his feet and moving up to his head. “Excuse me, but have you been burned very badly? Are you in pain? I know some healing song, but it would be felicitous if I had someone helping me.”

  It was as though a rhinoceros had ambled into the room and everyone was trying to figure out what to do next. John’s hand curled into a fist.

  Sara pulled John’s hand back. “He’s not being racist. He’s never seen a black man before.”

  “Black?” Edofine asked. “Is this a subspecies?”

  “A race. There is actually barely any DNA difference whatsoever between the different races, but people keep making it a big deal,” John said through clenched teeth.

  “What have I said wrong?” Edofine looked back and forth from the two humans, nervously rubbing his velveteen tunic. He seemed to dwindle from his already young, gawky persona to a childlike confusion.

  “I didn’t come here to be insulted,” John muttered, turning around and leaving.

  Edofine clutched Sara in desperation, holding onto her waist as if she was the only the keeping him from blowing away in the tempest. “What have I done? Lady Sara, I beseech you to render assistance. I make mistake upon mistake, and this is merely my first day. Kryvek wanted me to cleanse his home, and he showed me how to operate that machine, but it makes such a noise and the suction created a lesion on my foot.” He was barefoot, with a red ring on his left foot that looked as if he’d been attacked by an octopus. He pointed at the vacuum cleaner with great trepidation.

  Sara peeled the Elf away. “Poor Edofine. I’ll help you. Let me go back to my apartment for just a moment, and I’ll get a book you should read. It’ll make everything less confusing.”

  Moments later, in the Tufts’ apartment, John paused from hanging up posters of Bruce Springsteen to ask, “What are you doing?”

  “We have The New Way Things Work, don’t we? It’s that picture book with the mammoths that explain machines?”

  “Why do you need it?”

  “For Edofine.”

  If John sighed any deeper than he did now, his diaphragm would bend permanently out of shape. “Okay. Go humor the boy, and leave your husband to do all the unpacking himself.”

  “You really know how the play the martyr.” Sara retrieved the book and kissed him on the cheek, but it received the same response as kissing the door. A shrill scream echoed from Kryvek’s apartment, and she hurried back. She left John knee-deep in bubble wrap, which for solace he began to pop, giggling occasionally, and then sighing again.

  Roses climbed over the beige, formerly blank walls in the Elves’ abode, all peach and yellow, growing at a sped-up pace. By the time Sara took in the whole scene, several generations had budded, bloomed, and withered. The furniture disappeared in thorns entwined on every surface. Edofine stood before the television, shrieking in Elvish and pointing.

  “Edofine! It’s okay!” Sara gingerly tiptoed over to the distraught youth, massaging his shoulders. “You need to reverse what you just did. Sssh, it’s okay. Don’t freak.”

  “There are prisoners in the box,” Edofine replied, his voice shaky. “I pressed a button and a dark screen lifted, and all those wee sick Archaedemons are trapped inside. Kryvek told me not to turn it on, but why would he do such a cruel thing?”

  “What makes you think those are Archaedemons?”

  “Only Archaedemons can make themselves small enough. Are Archaedemons a legend to you too? Kryvek said you do not believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”

  “To start with, those aren’t people. They’re images of people far away, replicated for entertainment. And Nessie is real?”

  “Oh, yes, indeed she is. It is a she, incidentally. There are Yetis in Tibet, too, but I have not heard of any large-foot creature in this land.” Edofine finally observed the bizarre growths he had wreaked, and he closed his eyes, waved his hands, and sang for two minutes, a calm, slow tune. The flowers shrank towards the floor until they disappeared.

  “You could make a fortune as a florist,” Sara said.

  “Roses are very soothing to Elves,” Edofine explained. “Their beauty is calming, and their thorns are protecting. Screams of fear and cries of grief have a tendency to invoke their need and splendor. Fortunately every child knows how to take them away again.” He turned to the TV, cocking his head and staring at the soap opera, where four women were busy sobbing hysterically. “So these are in the similitude of plays? Except in a box?”

  “Yes. Why didn’t Kryvek explain that to you?”

  “Well, he did warn me against it. He seemed in a dreadful hurry to reach his gog.”

  “I think you mean ‘gig’.”

  “Oh. I thank you kindly for helping me. What is that book?”

  “It explains how the common human technologies work. I thought it might help you be less afraid.” Sara handed him the thick hardcover volume, with its picture of a cartoon wooly mammoth on the cover. “The mammoths are an analogy, a way to provide amusement during the explanations, as it were. The actual inventions don’t really involve mammoths.”

  “Peculiar. Humans killed all the mammoths in the ancient days,” Edofine murmured, sitting down on the couch.

  Sara smiled and retrieved the vacuum cleaner, sucking up the ankle-deep debris of dead leaves
and flower petals that had not vanished. When she asked him how that worked, Edofine explained that Elf magic only governed living things, information, and appearances. He listened attentively to Sara’s explanation of how to use different household objects. They reviewed the uses of the toaster, the stovetop, the microwave, the radio, and all the lighting. She was about to explain the importance of the oven when yet another shriek sounded through the building. Sara heard only noise, but Edofine heard words.

  The first thing he heard was the voice of a frightened old woman. “Ammon! Get the broom! There’s a gremlin in our oven!”

  The equally aged man shouted, “Don’t be silly, Abish. There’s no such thing as gremlins.”

  A third voice, high-pitched yet gravelly, and very indignant, snapped, “I ain’t a gremlin. I’m an Archaedemon. Sorry for falling asleep in your home, but I barely got the mass to go two more steps. Let me warm up a smidgen more and I’ll be on my merry way.”

  Edofine stiffened. “Not him.”

  “What? Who? Huh?” Sara asked.

  “Get out!” screamed the woman next door.

  “Aw, go way, you wrinkly bat!” replied the Archaedemon.

  “Not him,” Edofine moaned. He ran out of Kryvek’s place and banged down the Youngs’ apartment door. Abish Young whacked with a broom at a tiny figure the size of a garden gnome with pale peach coloring and black hair, clad only in black asbestos pants. The Archaedemon—for that was the gnome-sized being—shivered and ran back and forth, dodging the broom. Everywhere he stepped left burned black footprints.

  Edofine sang and blew on his hands, which turned them blue, and he scooped up the Archaedemon. “Forgive him for intruding, but he was looking for me. Take deep breaths and meditate, mistress. I will return to repair your door and tiling.”

  Mrs. Young took one look at Edofine’s clothing and dropped both the broom and her body to the floor.